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You must have seen how our domestic Internet caught fire last week and how it is still smoking at the thought that the world's billionaires celebrated Halloween in Romania. This holiday has the gift of bringing out all the Romanianness in us, more than December 1, Christmas and Orthodox Easter all in one. Usually, at events that hold the front page for more than a day, Romanianness is divided in two. Yet this time, as if the very Satan possessed us all, Romanianness simply broke into 19,000,000 pieces, because that's how much was left of us after the world's biggest and strongest hit us so hard in the face with the pandemic, that we had to wear a mask for a year so that the bruise would not show. From the joy of the traders along the entire Rucăr - Bran corridor, to the currency dealers’ hope for some lucrative combinations and culminating in the raging of a delicate senator filled with authentic, countryside orthodox sentiments, we all had our own expectations from, reactions to and opinions about the (pseudo)event.
Romanians do have a sense of humor, involuntary as it may be
The party in Bran was an opportunity for many of the nation’s funniest to get their PhD degree in household humor. The jokes were so good, that those who don't even smile in photos started accusing the authors of satanic propaganda. Some got angry with the supposed participants for not organizing at least a press conference, a good opportunity for them, accredited by shady publications, to have a free lunch. Others, more into the quality press, took the Forbes list of the richest people in the world and, willy-nilly, flew them to the castle by helicopter.
According to the Romanian media from all levels of journalistic education, going all wild and indulging in satanic rituals would have been the following: Sergey Brin, Larry Page (the Google bosses), Steve Jurvetson (former boss at Hotmail and currently Space X boss), Luke Nosek, (one of the PayPal bosses and boss at Gigafund) and, with your permission, the last on the list, Elon Musk (the boss of all bosses), who was allegedly the mastermind, in that he had organized the party and taken care of all the financial arrangements.
And because our fellow journalists felt that the list was a bit lacking in representativeness, they also threw Angelina Jolie into the trunk of the helicopter, dressed with the phrase “as well as other world-class stars, actors and artists”. In its simplicity, this phrase carries the immense burden of genius on its shoulders: after you have attracted the attention of geeks with names from Big Tech and secured it with Angelina’s sensuality, you throw into the audience, through the back door, all the tractor drivers, sanitation workers and housewives, consumers of celebrity style at world level. And, to end with, you turn a blind eye at the free Dacians, woken up on the occasion, storming into the hall, and there you have it: the investment in the beef soup with no beef becomes extremely profitable.
Who really partied at Bran Castle
In reality, the party was organized by Peter Andreas Thiel (another PayPal boss and currently loaded with money that he's blowing into financial, research and IT companies) together with his better half, Matthew Charles Danzeisen (some big boss himself, in the financial field). Credible sources from the MFA told Veridica that the two arrived in Romania on October 28 with a Gulfstream G500 plane, registered in Los Angeles under TWY670. The same fancy plane also brought to Romania Stephen Allen Hall (could be an actor, but we are really not sure), Donald Joseph Haloburdo (former general manager of Jet Aviation), Kelly Marie Carrillo (apparently a skychef, i.e. a chef on planes), Russell Harmon Mack and Robert Shane Hofer (about them we couldn't find anything relevant on the internet, so either they were crew members or there is actually some conspiracy at play here).
Also on October 28, the former super model Elle Macpherson, influencer Jessica Clements, screenwriter Peter Huyck, the former American ambassador to Sweden Ken Howery, actor Adrian Grenier and his wife Jordan Roemmele, singer Isabel Getty, singer and producer Doyle Bramhall II, creator of the Citizen app Andrew Frame and a dancer from the Republic of Moldova, Tatiana Seliverstova, also landed at Otopeni Airport. All were flown over the Carpatho-Danubian-Pontic space by a helicopter with the TIH03A callsign. The helicopter in question belongs to Ion Țiriac and, from what we learned from the same sources, it seems that he was not the one who piloted the aircraft that carried the partygoers. Obviously, we can't hide our disappointment that not even the richest man in the world on Romania’s side was not good enough for the party, because, if we look a little at the wealth declarations of those mentioned above, we see that apart from Thiel and, obviously, his husband, the rest are millionaires in dollars, which, in billionaire language, would translate into “the f****** poor”. If those people are part of the “world occult” who sold their souls to Satan and now want to turn us into slaves, we can relax, we are safe.
Better to remain silent be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt
On the other hand, a bit more vigilant than us, some phony patriots who still believe that Vlad Țepeș (Vlad the Impaler) used to impale Turks for love of Romania were quick into getting offended that the Anglo-Saxons listed above were tarnishing the memory of the great ruler. Diana Șoșoacă, for example , after holding a short history lesson, by reading from a piece of paper the years of Vlad’s reign, concluded that “what is happening now in Bran is related to satanic symbolism. It doesn't help our tourism at all”. This after a little earlier, she was also convinced that “there are some orgies under way there like in the XXX movies”. Another fearless defender of Romanianness took the idea further and revealed that yes, the party is an orgy, only that it’s gay.
But the comment on the subject that short-circuited a few of our synapses remains that of Cozmin Gușă. After he grew out of his Romanian language and is now forced to dirty his mouth with English, the great analyst analyzed the situation and got it! The party was nothing but a plan devised by Elon Musk to mask (sic!) his true intentions, the ones stirred up by his diabolical mind after getting his greedy hands on Twitter. A capitalist vampire that would make even Dracula jealous, Elon has sunk his fangs into the last stronghold of free expression and, through his presence (albeit only imaginary) near the Russian-Ukrainian conflict, he wants to convey the message that he has under observation this aspect of life on Earth too. To cite Gușă: “what is happening at Bran Castle now is not just a maxi-marketing event, with cultural influences and consequences for us and the post-communist east of Europe, it’s clearly much more than that”.
CC to all the experts out there
We cannot understand how a private party, be it for rich people, managed to squeeze the last bit of intelligence out of this nation. The vampire Musk must have sucked all of our Romanianness, if we were left without any of the arguments inherited from our ancestors in the fight against world evil and the Vatican's secret archives. But because we don't like to spoil a beautiful story, and for all those who gathered at the gate of Bran Castle in larger numbers than beggars at the gate of Becali Castle, we leave room at the end for a sequel that, we hope, will enjoy the same media success: what if there is much more behind the story? What if Elon did not come to Romania is the real fake news? What if he did come? How many of you know what the mayor of Bran really looks like? Why have the names of Mark Zuckerberg and Aurelian Temisan not been mentioned these days? cc cozmin, diana.
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